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| Thursday, September 8th, 2005 | | 5:11 pm |
Three Ideas For Poems.
I can smell the roasting fire our romance on a spit; I can see our funeral pyre where Smoke and Ashes split Hawaiian Sunset: A History Streams of light leap from Above the cliffside and plunge Into sparkling depths The Darker Continent:The waste of our Industrial Revolution-- The waste of our Suburban Consumption. She captures the hearts of all who have seen the cuts and bruises of our capitalist machine while diamonds glitter in the sky and attract the meek towards this pie in the sky. | | Sunday, September 4th, 2005 | | 12:27 pm |
Unfinished poem
I am the Joker. If life were like a deck of cards Would I be your King of Hearts? You would be disarmed by charm; I would feel your inner parts. And you would rather I not. Could I be your Ace of Diamonds, And shower you in gifts that gleam? I’d fufill your wildest dream, But I would rather not. Or would I be your Jack of Spades And build a flimsy house of cards With the sweat and toil of my ways? Our flimsy home would be a start, But I would rather rot. So, My dearest Queen of Clubs | | 10:38 am |
Something to save for later:
The memory is a wicked and fickle friend. I am its slave and yet its master. Our dialectical relationship dictates my thoughts and my perceptions, creating an impression of who I was, and who I might be. I watched "State Fair" at 6 AM this morning when the pink sun began to paint the walls of my room while it rose through the heavens. My eyes were leadened with exhaustion from my night of work, and yet I could not keep myself from watching this horrible black and white movie. The reason for this is strange, and requires a bit of back story. In my junior year I dated a girl named Melissa. She was my first kiss, and as such we performed horribly. My lips ended up on her cheek, and hers mine. It took us a month to even get this far, and what was I, 16? Our relationship lasted 8 months and 29 days, and like a childhood romance, our love was never consummated. Despite the memories I have of our relationship, I cannot recall any good reason despite her sexual coldness, and the hellish blaze growing in my groin. This doesn't make sense since I can also remember our sexual escapades. Rounding 2nd base was a big deal for my virgin self, as I matured slowly and had never made real sexual contact with another woman. Melissa told me once she loved this movie, and I pore over its contents searching for some insight into her, this phantom who held so much meaning for my old self, but exists only in brief snipets and dirty, faded snapshots. Their surreal qualities lead me to question their veracity but I only have these thoughts in my head to corroborate my hypothesis: that she might be better or worse than I remembered. But it's just my memory playing tricks on me again; I idolize my past. | | Friday, December 24th, 2004 | | 3:54 am |
I puke upon perfection.
Perfection is a disease. Spew upon the past, and make it a surly disease. I spit upon the past. 3.9's are just as good as 4.0s. Because we all round up. | | Friday, December 10th, 2004 | | 4:23 am |
Craziness.
Well, shit's so much different from a year and a half ago. That's life I suppose. I've met a girl that's changed it all, and led me to NYC. While I was there, I went to school, BMCC, a shitty community college that I am currently owning with a 4.0 GPA. I also got a job at the same shitty ass school working as a Tutor in the Classroom for remedial English Classes. While working in her class, I met this amazing professor that I totally clicked with. It might just be standard transference, but we have this amazing chemistry. So, I sublimate, and at least make my feelings for her worth something by writing about her, this amazing professor. Things with the woman that led me to NYC staled, of course, though we're still together, it's mostly out of duty. I know nothing. Except that I long for her To be that something. To make me feel more than a cur. I've definately matured alot, and see my mistakes of the past. At least some of them. "But I'm 20 now. And I want to see my 19th year again." - Blue October. Current Mood:  drunkCurrent Music: DMB - "They served us" - Was I a Fool to Think | | Saturday, May 3rd, 2003 | | 6:04 am |
Cinqo de Mayo
5th of May my asshole. Against all wishes, my ass remains as un-gay as it gets. While the truth as clear as Tequila. . . Which keeps the head pretty cloudy, for those keeping score at home. The truth can change as many times as thrice before becoming sketchy, always remember that. I know I will. One only lies to hisself. It's okay to get the cake, and fuck it too. But not to deny it happened thus. I'm really good at getting things off my chest cryptically. Especially whilst I'm blitzed. Whoever I really am, please stand up, and stagger to the bathroom. Lately I've been feeling low. A remedy is what I'm seeking. What I want is what I've not got. And what I need is all around me. -Dave Matthew's Band Served Us. | | Saturday, April 12th, 2003 | | 6:24 am |
| | Monday, April 7th, 2003 | | 10:44 pm |
It's mother fucking cold outside.
I got in from Fayetteville, NC last night at about 2. That's a full 24 hours before I wanted to come home. I hate cutting vacations short. There wasn't much choice though, my dad was getting antsy, and it was pouring out so we couldn't golf on the last day. The one day of golfing was incredibly fun though. they worked a lot of extreme doglegs, and tinkered with the elevation a lot. Even worse than Elma Meadows. The course was short yardage wise, but rather difficult because of their narrow fairways. I shot horrible, but that's just because I grabbed the driver at the wrong times, and I'm still not completely rust-free on my swing. I did have a nice amount of good shots, but they were always followed by a number of bad ones. I got a par on a par 3, which is always a good thing. I hate those things. A 111 isn't a bad start to the season, though, all things considered (New course, new clubs, first time of the season.) I'm not yet sure of the range of my new clubs. My new steel shafts take a lot of distance away, and because my swing was so horrid, I hit to the left of my target a lot. I liked the price though. $27 for 18 holes on sunday, cart included, and to play another 18 is only $6. They advertised something different, bastards, but that's still a good deal. It's like 20 or so for a weekday. Which is about what I pay over at Audubon, out by UB. But not nearly as cheap as Elma meadows was. All in all though, it was fun. I'm going to go down again in a few weeks. Anyone else in? It's like, 70 down there. -Steve Current mood: Frigid Current music: Weezer - Pink Triangle | | Wednesday, March 26th, 2003 | | 12:24 pm |
I just don't know anymore
I'm really fuckin' clueless about how much self-esteem I have right now. Which is not good, considering all of the life changing things I'm about to partake in. Oh well. Let's just fuckin' do it. No reason to pussy out now. | | Wednesday, January 29th, 2003 | | 11:40 pm |
the truth hurts
Especially when spoken by the ignorant. But nothing's true, and I need nothing. Not even me. 23- requiem Prose by me. Too little time to waste, So let us go get wasted. Drowned in a surreal painting Oh what dreams may come indeed, To swallow us up Into the joyous oblivion To end our waste Deeply troubled and quietly stirred Let it be known forever My cries for peace and love went unheard My fears dissipate to hopelessness And I care no longer For anything this world offers Can not make me stronger Nothing begot nothing Life is the fear of death And this world our hell Because since our first breath We’re imprisoned in this cell Are my eyes bloodshot? For the first time they see Sights they have long forgot In the mirror, that can’t be me And we plunge deeper down Miles from safe haven We slowly drown Future bleak; we all turn craven Seek the easy route To end all suffering The blood starts pouring out Blackness turns into everything A true coward; I stop short Draw out the agony for it’s own sake For the sheer sport Leaving only tears in it’s wake Oh what wasted lives And what dreams may come indeed When shaven by knives And slowly we bleed Never ending the waste Sickened with greed Your sweat I can taste But fickle your need The stigma lives on Conditioned fear represses Plans craftily drawn Our mind only guesses - Current Music: Silverchair - Too much of not enough Current Mood: - Uncertain | | 2:57 am |
Piss, whine, moan.
Haha, fooled you. This is just an update for the sake of updating. . . . Clarifying my other post, I was mildly under duress from having two jobs, working around 70 hours a week. So I quit one. :D I should feel a lot better next week. -Steve Current mood: Sleepy Current tune: Silverchair - After all these years. | | Tuesday, January 21st, 2003 | | 7:04 pm |
i quit.
i quit i'm not sure if i ever did really try but thats it its over i quit steve | | Wednesday, January 1st, 2003 | | 1:12 pm |
Life is good.
Despite having two jobs that I don't really like, a father that doesn't love anything, me included, no significant other to discuss things with, care for, and have fun with, Life Is Good. I've never really taken time to notice the little things that make life worth living. I've always been looking for something better than life, but there really isn't. -Steve There is nothing better than the true human spirit. | | Friday, November 8th, 2002 | | 10:46 am |
Sight.
I got the LASIK eye surgery performed yesterday. They lie and say it doesn't hurt, but it really does. Here's the procedure. First, they check on your eyes to see if you would benefit from it. Most nearsighted people do. During the check up, they give you eye drops that make you super light sensitive for about a day and a half. I was light sensitive until the day of the surgery, which was around two days, but I have weird eyes. They always have super pupils. Not sure if you ever noticed. But anyway. . . The day of the surgery, you arrive a half hour early, just in case they have an opening for you. They work it much like a production line, and I felt like a piece of well processed meat. The room's slightly air conditioned, a mild 62 degrees. So they suggest you bring a sweater or something. I think that's perfect, so I wore a t-shirt. Next, they lie you down on something much like a dentists chair, but without the adjustments, it can only lie flat. They adjust your head so that you are lined up with the Laser. Now it's time for the weird part. They patch up your left eye, and begin to work on the right. You can see a green light inside of this swirling red aura, which I can only assume was the laser. They drop liquid into your eyes. This is the anesthetic. "Blink, blink, blink," he orders. He places a clamp less than gently in your eye socket, keeping your eyelid open for your own safety. A circular tube descends from the device, and you feel pressure on your eye. It's not painful, but extremely surreal. I thought to myself, Is this blindness? Because, indeed, you can not see. Once vision slowly returns, the doctor begins to make his incision. Red-hot fire scorches for a second. You squirm instinctively, and almost as quickly as it started, it's over. Only discomfort now. And you hear the whirring of the machine doing it's work, quickly vaporizing your cornea. There's a fizz and the smell of burnt hair. Then it's over. The doctor is wiping your retina back into place, and it feels comforting to know that you're half way there. The first several hours after the procedure, your eyes are dry and irritated. Sleep is recommended, eye drops required when you're not. All in all, I can't say it was too horrible. . . Well worth the results in fact, because I'm quite certain I can see 20/20, if not better in my right eye. Today I'm fine. No discomfort, just the slight dry sensation right before it's time to apply my drops. No sweat. Well, back to life, I'm off to play Vice City. Current mood: Tired Current music: Fuel - Blind | | Tuesday, November 5th, 2002 | | 10:43 pm |
Cher
My dog got hit by a car at 6:30 yesterday morning. I spent most of yesterday going to three different vets trying to save her, but alas, she was in too much pain and we had to get her put to sleep. I cried most of the day, and thought about the idea of god. I had to work, because my dog dying isn't an excuse to miss work, according to them. It's alright though, it got me away from grieving over her for a bit. Back to god. god is neither compassionate, nor omniscient. How could anything compassionate will anything bad on anyone? If he knew anything at all the world wouldn't be so evil. If he even exists at all. And even if he does, there is no reason to worship something that causes so much pain, anquish, and sorrow. Fuck god. I'm removing him completely from my life. There's too little time to waste on something that evil, pretending to be good. It's time to get back to living. -Steve Current mood: Depressed Current music: Silverchair - World upon your shoulders | | Tuesday, October 15th, 2002 | | 3:33 pm |
Uncle Sam wants me.
To go to jail. I owe several thousands of dollars in school debt, and today I get a letter in the mail saying that I'm going to court in 30 days. Fun wow yay for Stevie. I really appreciate it. -Raped Current mood: Frustrated Current Music: Rape Me - Nirvana | | Saturday, October 5th, 2002 | | 3:09 am |
Thought is the demise of man.
Talent is a myth. America's feudalist state can kiss my ass. It takes balls to say no. Terribly sorry sirs and madams. Those go to all that apply on Sean's very happy birthday party. -Almost drunk enough to care about someone. -Or am I too drunk to not care about someone? -I'll figure out the mess tomorrow. -As usual. -And as usual tomorrow draws ever near. | | Tuesday, August 27th, 2002 | | 12:32 am |
Edgefest 9
Kicked ass. Got my shirt signed by The Clarks. They dug T-shirt ninja. . . Tea Party was pretty good too. I liked how multi-cultural they were. Most of the crowd didn't get it though. Today, the day after edgefest, I tried to play hockey, but the lights went out in the parking lot. If we had started at 9:30, like I wanted, we would have been beautiful. But no, they wanted to start at 11. . . Jerks. -Steve Current Mood: Pissed. Current Music: Tool - Prison Sex | | Thursday, August 22nd, 2002 | | 11:57 pm |
Hockey.
Found a new place to play hockey. It looks pretty cool, well lit, well paved, and pretty much abandoned. We'll see how it works out on Monday. Played golf today at a new course too. Sucked it up pretty good. But I had a few decent shots that were lying to me, telling me that I might have sooome golfing talent. :D | | 12:07 am |
Most awe inspring thing I've seen this year:
Just laying down for bed, and as always, random thoughts swim through my head. I'm trying to remember the most amazing thing I've seen this past year. And I've narrowed it down to one of five things: 1.) Hawaiian Sunset. Hawaiian Flowers. 2.) The Antelopes running away from me and my sister, trying to get a photo. It was just a great feeling to chase after them. 3.) The color of the canyon inside Yellowstone with the waterfall. 4.) The Pacific Ocean. 5.) The dust flying around the Great Plains in Minnesota. I'm still undecided. . .But it's just something to think about till tomorrow, I guess. Sweet dreams. -Steve Current Mood: Ponderous Current Music: The Clarks - I'm a fool |
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